Vulnerability. Gag.

 "Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear and our struggle for worthiness, BUT it is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity and of love." -Brene Brown

What a terrifying word.Vulnerability. This is something that my culture has taught me to be scared of. Who wants to air all their dirty laundry to somebody, or say something meaningful with the opportunity of being rejected right after you've expressed your heart. Nobody wants to have the label of being someone who, "wears their heart on their sleeve." If you're a guy and somebody had given you this title it means that you aren't masculine because you express your feelings like a girl. Girls are emotional enough that they don't want to date somebody who actually treats them right and tells them how much they really care.

This is what my culture is teaching the world, and it is wrong. Somebody who's become important in my life is teaching me how to be vulnerable by being that to me. Sometimes it is overwhelming and i am not sure how to respond because if i was to respond i could be rejected even though he has never rejected me. It's not rational but it is accepted in our culture to have this fear. I have realized that this natural reaction of wanting to run from vulnerability is keeping me from having intimate relationships with some of the people around me.

What have a majority of my relationships consisted of until now? Don't get me wrong I have been vulnerable with several of my close friends but its not something i practice very often. But people who care about me can ask me if how i am doing and sometimes i just don't want to be vulnerable so i will interact at a surface level. This fear has talked me into leaving some friendships surface level because i know how amazing the relationship could be but i don't want to face the vulnerability. At least until now. It's amazing how one person can open your eyes to something that has been right in front of your face the whole time. It's all so new and different from anything i have ever known.

And i like it.

How did i get here? By choosing to be independent of my culture. I do not want to claim for myself the relationship problems that the world has. I choose to separate myself from that future of selfish relationships and open myself up to what comes my way. Unless you are vulnerable you can't truly love.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable" - C.S. Lewis