A letter to my younger self.

Two days ago was my 1-year anniversary of graduating college. This made me reflect on that past year shocked that it has been that long since I walked across the stage to claim my degrees. It made me think of the seniors about to graduate from college this coming weekend and thus lead me to writing this post.

Last May I fell for false security. I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed, I thought I knew who I could possibly be with for the rest of my life, what country I would move to for a few years and what exactly the next year of my life would look like. This all proved to be wrong by August when I moved back to Searcy to continue the pursuit of these things. Here I was, in Searcy Arkansas after signing a school-year lease on a house with no future plans. All that I knew was that I had two jobs, and no future.

After some nights crying myself to sleep, yelling, and telling God what I thought about being in Searcy with no plan I began to dream again. I dreamed of what I could do on my own so I pursued those plans. Everything was looking up, I had a plan and an answer for people when they asked, “So what are you doing now, after college?” I had a plan. Within a few months those plans came to a screeching halt and I yet again had no idea what I was doing with my life, let alone what I would be doing the following week. I finally gave in and accepted the fact that I didn’t have an answer for people when they asked what I was doing with my life. This was when I finally was able to receive what the Lord was trying to tell me.

My identity is not found in what I am doing after college, nor what job I will start, nor who I will marry. I never thought cognitively that these were shaping my identity, but that is exactly how Satan does it. He sneaks into our perceptions of what we deem important and tells us that our worth is found in achieving those things. I have believed this lie, and the Lord quickly showed me that I was wrong.

He showed me my self-worth through Him. Through a great community of friends where I have grown spiritually more in the past year than I did all 4 years at Harding University combined. He showed me my self-worth through constant worship of who he is and what he does in my life.

I still get questions about what I am doing, and even snide comments from past teachers and friends who do not understand why I have two degrees and work as a waitress and a barista. But knowing that the Lord has me in this waiting period of growing gives me the freedom to not have an answer to anyone. It gives me the freedom to tell those people that I am waiting, and while I may not know why that reason is, that I know the Lord is working in me and through me wherever I am. When the time is right, I will move and have whatever job he puts in my way, but until that day, I just seek to know the wrinkles of his face.

So this is what I want to tell you seniors about to graduate. Whether you have a job lined up or not, whether you are graduating from school with a spouse or single, whether you know what your future looks like or not, the Lord will always provide and is always worth more than any of those things. Your identity should be found in Him, and he will make sure that you understand that one way or the other. Do not spend your time worrying about what people will think, because in the end it doesn’t matter if your days are fulfilled through him. Enjoy your time of wandering and wondering because you may not have this season again in your life. I have never felt more alive than when i am depending fully on him to sustain and to provide for me; neither will you.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.